Life with Children

Here is what I know about divorce, about children, about life with children. Whatever age.

You show up. That is sometimes 90% of the equation. Showing up may not seem so important - until that moment - when you survey the room seeking the one, the one support, the bit of witness to your life that means you lived. That your life had meaning because those eyes were present, embracing, recording.

You were there. You witnessed or offered a ride, a peppermint, a hug, a nod, a knowing eye, a band-aid in your purse, a credit card - a different route out of town, a simple piece of tape. Because you were present, you were available to offer assistance - sometimes it is a towel, a hair clip, a quarter for the phone, an absolute nod across the pool that says you can win this one, an extra sweater/jacket you brought to wrap them, late nights on the couch with ear pain and a warm compress, hours of listening to lyrics and it all means so much to you and to them - that your hearts are a rainbow or a dark star. But you own them together.

BUT IF you are not there - in the difficult place -because it will be difficult -
the acerbic response - the dropped welcome of disdain - the limp handshake of disregard - I know them well. This is the geography of divorce - but not of children. That is not their geography.

My daughter remembers that I was there - that she smiled - that we hugged - despite the broken sugar bowl, despite the cluster of longings. Today, we know that I would never desert her. Not because I stayed with her father who was brutal, but because, despite the hostility. despite the humiliation, I would post - I would stand and witness and be available - the rest was water on the back of a duck - but that scant moment when she looked at me and we understood one another are testimony - stronger than any scripture.

My son and his father took a different path - we were stronger and more inclined to see the child first. We held Dylan - regardless of our loss or anger or disappointment with one another - so he is the luckiest of the lucky. Embraced. Dylan was embraced by us both and his siblings. So we all held on to this place so much that even in this place of "disaffection" - there is always affection.

I remember my arms around the necks of each of my children - Adam, Sara, Tara, and Dylan. I reached each one into the air. I have been privileged to share childhood with them - born anew. And together we learned so much.

Those moments will be among those when I am dying. I showed up. And I witnessed. And I did not lie to them. I won't lie to them. They can count on that. Steady and true. That is all I have. When I can offer.