Sympatico

These were the things she could not say to him: That leaving him was like snipping the stitches from a yet unhealed wound. That snowy Sunday afternoons were cold and hollow. That she might not be able to maintain a one-dimensional relationship; not with all her dimensions constantly firing. She was sick of people telling her how strong she was, how smart, how capable, how pretty. Surely, if she were as smart, pretty, strong, capable as they said, she would not spend this long, lazy, snowy afternoon all alone. But she did. Finding the dressing for her Christmas tree, unpacking an overnight bag, suffocating any hope she may have felt in her heart, holding it securely under water, her fingers tightening on its blushing throat.

So was it by her own design - oh yes. She wasted men. Thought too much, wanted too much, talked too much about everything but her needs. Her need. It knotted up in her chest, squatted in the hollow of her neck threatening to scream out, but never could. It was pitiful to her - disrespectful. So she was quiet. She called no one.

And she thought how her children loved her - how there were adventures and fun times ahead for her, how lucky she was in her health and abilities, her comfortable home, even in her stubbornness, her resolve with the bricks in place and mounting higher.

Her phone rings - let it ring - one - two - three - her hand on it the whole time. "Hello," as if she'd just walked into the room to snatch it up while she had been otherwise engaged. The fraud. Jayne? Yes. Hi "Jayne, this is John with MCI." She doesn't even hang up on John, with MCI. Takes a moment to tell him, "No thanks, good luck on your next call."

This was her downfall - her weakness, men. Or rather the romance of men. Of love. It wasn't the individual men, per se. It was the promise of love, of caring, of safety. It was as mythical as the unicorn, pure shimmering hope with a solitary horn. A dream. She chased it, captured it, was disappointed by it and left it standing in a pasture with downcast head. Then, she asked for sympathy.